"Screw You" - A Fanfiction of My Life; Cake
So, yeah, that whole "I'm going to blog every-day kind of thing" didn't work out because unlike the vast majority of people I have come across, I'm not obsessed with my own life and, normally, I do not really pay attention to note-worthy occurences unless they're really obvious.
So, to be honest, mostly my life is boring and teenager-ish when I'm not, you know, completely consumed by the stress of my family situations. Nothing really has happened lately. I got a free prom dress. I had a birthday at Kemah with my Godmother and my Mom and brother.
I spend a lot of time telling Sam to turn his music down, or pick up the game room, or ignoring the former two things until I go crazy and just want to jack him so hard he can't talk anymore.
My friends and therapist all tell me to cut him some slack and give him a break, but really, how would you feel in my position? EVERY WORD HE SAYS TO ME IS A COMMENTARY ON HOW SUCKISH I AM. Great, because that's just what I need at the moment. I'm not talking about the standard sibling-blow-off kind of arguments either, but seriously relentless insult.
But, he's just 15 so I guess I just have to lie there and take it, like I do with everyone and everything else.
Today, specifically, wasn't very great. The past few days haven't been great.
I am feeling particularly lonely: it's hard to find people who can relate easily to what I'm going through, and I don't really like to talk about it very much. I hate that, when you just don't feel like talking about something, but expect people to get it. Very human, very selfish, very hypocritical. I suck sometimes. I busy myself with projects that don't get finished and TV shows and promises I can't keep to make it hurt less that I sucked enough that my own Father decided it wasn't worth the effort anymore.
Today I didn't want to get out of bed. There were several points where I wanted to just cry in front of God and everyone.
I don't know where my family stops and I start; my identidy has been systematically sucked by the situations my parents are creating around themselves and my brother never ceases to completely destroy whatever happy thought I had going.
(Why yes, I am going to complain about this for another few paragraphs. Because I can. Why am I even validating this? It's my blog...Jesus, here I go again...)
I feel like I am swallowed up at the moment; like I'm sealed in this box that no one has bothered to look for. Everyone is worried about prom dates and I'm worried about the lasting reprucussions that having my Father reject me will do to my opinions on males for the rest of my life .
It's very, very lonely.
I am outside the jar, staring in at everyone having fun, and it's hard to slip into that. I don't feel happy or eighteen or excited. Just sad, and angry, and alone. My Senior Year got stolen from me.
Everyone tells me 'well, just be more selfish!', or 'just have fun!'. People are so stupid I want to hurl.
Do you know how seriously weird that is for me? I'm the one who gives to everyone else - I listen and I try my best to help, and I give hugs and I make people laugh. I'm really bad about being selfish unless I'm having a weird day and I'm pissy or something.
I don't just 'be more selfish'.
My Dad is selfish.
I'm not.
I don't want to be my Dad. I hardly want to look at him, let alone be like him.
I'm also falling into the cycle of distrust, and this is dangerous ground, only now instead of it being magnified with strangers, all I can think of is if I'm being cool enough or good enough or smart enough or funny enough for friends and the people I am close to. I worry I bring them down with my attitudes (I probably do) and I know I'm becoming a pessimist. It's a horrible reality, and it's shameful sometimes, because I have to always explain to myself why I'm doing certain things or acting certain ways.
Like right now, I am deeply concerned that everyone will find this all to be a self-promoting pity-party and think that I am just someone who wants attention and will go to any means to get it.
That's not it at all.
I'm just really sad right now and I don't know how to properly explain it.
I just want to disappear and be someone else.
I want to screw everyone and run away and start over.
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing it wasn't my fault, but feeling that way. I hate knowing I'm not rejected by everyone but feeling that way. I hate knowing that I'm a good person but feeling awful and unwanted.
I hate it. I hate knowing God loves me, but feeling like it's not true.
I want to go underground and come out as something different, because, obviously, this isn't working. My self esteem is once again at the mercy of other people because I dared to care about them. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it or if all people just squash you in the end like your feelings are nothing.
One thing has changed - I don't care if I eat two slices of cake in one day or not.
I spent a lot of my life watching my Dad deny desserts and foods and a menajerie of other things.
I don't have that kind of time anymore, so screw it all, I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry this was horribly negative, but that's life. It is suckish and horrible and also wonderful and full of cake.
I am trying to take it one day at a time, so hopefully I'll go to bed and wake up and feel better. I don't know.
Thanks for listening.
Or something to that effect.
Next time, maybe I'll have something nicer to say :I
