9/28 Learning As I Go

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, today I had a bad attitude after school.

It happened - there's something about Collins Crew that never fails to make me feel completely disgusting. It is full of intimidating personalities and it is very easy for me to start getting insecure.

I have as much right to be there, yet I feel invisible and strange. Like no one could possibly understand me - I'm just too strange. I try very hard to be nice, even when I got defensive with a girl who probably didn't deserve it I apologized profusely, but still.

I don't know. It is a very serious organization as far as what you have to do, and a lot of it involves a lot of time. I didn't think it was going to be that serious; the sponsors are kind of intense and the social atmosphere, like I said before, is very intimidating.

I didn't get home till later than usual, and with a volleyball game at six I knew that if I let it linger in my system I was going to be miserable. So I took a shower and did my hair.

Its funny how a little confidence in your appearance can make it seem better - like, sure, those girls may or may not think I'm worth talking to, but at least my hair looks nice.

Funnily enough, I thought Collins Crew would be good for me - that it would make me feel better about myself, that I would get to display my goofy side without feeling stupid, but the exact opposite is true.

It's very hard for me to come out of my shell during Crew because I feel so dominated and insignificant.

But, I'm one to overthink things.

The game was good though, because I had people I really love there, and it was a lot easier. I vented to one of them and she listened so patiently and I came SOOOO close to apologizing about all my negative crappy feelings, but then I remembered that's what friends are there for. I'm starting to get the whole social side of things I guess - that its okay to unload those kinds of feelings and not feel like you're being selfish or being uncaring for the other person.

As long as you are willing to do the same, most people are glad to listen to you.
It made me feel so much better about myself.

I still feel awkward around most of the Crew people though, and I feel as though the only way that will change is if I change myself, which wasn't what my idea of Crew was.

:<

Anyway, there's a singer I love, her name is Leona Naess and she has a song called 'Learning as We Go'. It's my ultimate go to when I've had a bad day because it talks about not having your shit together, but being okay with that because everyone has weird days, but we just try to roll with the punches we're thrown and trust that it'll all come out in the end.

Even if people hide their darkness, it is there; inherently as humans we are no better than one another. No one has a good day, every day. That darkness is secure and it is a place we can all run to.

It makes me feel reassured about having a bad afternoon.

Thanks for listening to my stupid crap.

xoxo,
Hannah

QOTD: is it more important to be shy or conform?