Today I encountered a good friend of mine who is in charge of a pretty cool organization - and he asked me what I thought of 'See You At The Pole', and if you don't know what that is, I will give you a brief synopsis:
High Schoolers and there families (if they choose to brave the early time and humidity) gather around their local school flagpole: religion ensues and Jesus time is had by all and it is a nice thing.
Now, this friend and I have briefly touched on my thoughts on our High School's organization for Christian students - and I told him what I thought:
FCA meetings and See You At The Pole leave me dissapointed.
There are a lot of reasons for this that keep me from attending these kinds of events; I've gone several times and each time I left I felt like I had lied.
There is this sense at those meetings for someone like me, this sense of judgement and a facade of sincerity. I want to see past it, but it is one of my human flaws that it is hindering me in this way. I want to be happy for the members there - I want them to find success, I wish them no ill will, I hope that the organization blossoms and that it does wonderful things, but I don't see any heart behind it. Not a heart for Christ - not the genuine kind I am used to.
In my youth group we are so tightly wound together that I am assured constantly of who it is about - how it is about Jesus, not about me. (that's our Youth Group's motto this year - our theme).
I'm such a hypocrite; you can call me whatever you want, but I feel this way.
I feel so phony standing there at the flag pole; the people around can see it so clearly, they see us for who we are we are like the Priests of old times, caught up in our petty traditions, forgetting that we are no better than those not around the flagpole.
It's at the flagpole that I feel this ovewhelming urge to ask "Why the hell are we here?" Why are we wasting our time with this, showing people what we are and what we're all about - and then we're just going to turn around and be complete jerks? We'll judge them - say that they're going to hell, say that it's our job to save them and bring them to the light, like we're worthy of this occupation.
Because it's my favorite word this year, the whole ordeal is pretentious and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our Christian school organizations are selfish - it does nothing but build up young Christians to the idea that involvement in something like See You At The Pole gives you that free status to be whatever you want, but at least you're better than them.
"At least I was there."
"At leat I took a tardy for Jesus."
Great. Good for you.
I didn't feel anything out that flagpole - I felt God, but when I did I felt like I needed to leave.
But I'm selfish - and I want to keep my God to myself sometimes.
At the end of the day, I will rant all I want, but I can't knock the cause, just the people enacting it.
I'm all for God, Jesus, exultation. I'm also for a smidge of humbleness, something that walking into class late for won't do.
Today in youth I realized that it's wonderful that I am a good person, that I have integrity and character - but that's not what it's about. It's about the grace of God that saves me and there's nothing I can Do to create that grace or manipulate it.
Did any of that make a lick of sense?
I mean, there are exceptions to all of those rules, JEEZ LOUIS.
I can't even get it out properly. It just doesn't work for me and I think it's stupid and fake - there I said it.
I think it's about publicity, not about God. Just saying.
A lot of it is about me too - which is just the opposite. But this is just a commentary I guess, even a commentary of myself, because I WAS THERE, submitting to what I thought was wrong, and maybe I'm completely off, so please prove me wrong.
I have trust issues, I'm the first to say that: I don't feel like I could tell anyone there at that flag pole ANYTHING (except Whitney and Carolena, but they are very large exceptions), but other than that - HECK NO.
Why should I trust them? They haven't demonstrated anything to me.
Gosh, and now people are going to think I'm mean.
I'M JUST TRYING TO VENT MY FEELINGS SO THAT MAYBE SOMEONE CAN GIVE ME ADVICE OR GIVE ME A NEW POINT OF VIEW BECAUSE THE ADVICE I'VE GOTTEN ISN'T WORKING.
GAH.
My feelings are so mixed because I know I am worthy of critisicm for these thoughts, that I seem blighted and blind to what it's about and I'm sure people will tell me that I'm just as pretentious - go ahead.
At least I'm honest about it.
xoxoxo,
Hannah
PS: You know who you are, good friend of mine, and I hope I didn't offend you - I really mean well, it's just all coming out horribly. //OTZ
say that they're going to hell, say that it's our job to save them and bring them to the light, like we're worthy of this occupation.
ReplyDeleteYour way of blogging is something I deeply enjoy, but if your intentions are focused on God, its not so much that we are worthy to bring others to light, but that we are called to. That particular line I didn't see eye to eye with, but most other things i agree with. The only thing I learned in FCA (when i could go my freshman year) was that A. KUMC has a better music program that i knew B. trying to eat a banana through pantyhose is very hard and C. Nothing ever deep or helpful gets done in FCA
I see where your coming from i really do but i also see where this is a good positive cuz it allows us a chance to witness in a way that is so pure and so as a group i mean would you want to do that on your own so for those ppl who arnt willing to come out of there comfort zone this is a great way for those ppl to do such a thing if u get what im saying
ReplyDeleteInteresting.
ReplyDeleteI love you Hannah Thomas. I truly do.
ReplyDeleteHey ya Hanna girl its been awhile :) but i read this and thought I would share my opinion. The way I've always seen these things as yeah its great that such a club is offered but at the same time you don't feel that it comes from the right place all the time. Because it feels more like your trying to prove a point then to worship. I've always thought that when it comes to worship and God you don;t have to prove it to other people; as long as you know and you believe and you feel it, it's enough. But i know there's nothing quite like spending time with like minded people who can give you a new perspective and make you experience the same feelings you have in a whole new way.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel wrong at that flag pole, basically on display to show everyone that your a Christian, then you don;t need to do it. Go be with your friends, talk to them, laugh with them, heck even worship with them in the morning if you'd like. It doesn't necessarily have to be school sanctioned and I'm sure Jesus will understand you going to class on time.
I really hope i'm not missing your point or rambling.
A lot of these clubs or organizations at school wanna judge everything you do and everything you are, they want to look down on others because they think that because every week on one day they're late to class to show their devotion means they are now holier than thou. I hate to break it to them but I'm almost positive God cares more about what's inside of your heart then you attendance sheet.
But those are just my opinions. My advice is that if you feel that these organizations are fake and stupid then don;t be apart of them because you won;t be staying true to yourself. As for when people ask you why you aren't apart of them tell them you don't feel the need to prove how you feel about God and Jesus because you let them know everyday without standing outside for however long they do. And if they try to make you feel like you're not doing your part let them know that its not for them to decide what is right and what is wrong, and that you are a free thinking person thank you very much. You make your own decisions and have your own opinions and your opinion is that you are no better than any other person on this earth.
Again sorry if I missed the point or rambled I just thought I'd share my thoughts. Hope some of it makes some sense to someone :)
I completley agree with you Hannah. I spend a lot of time thinking about the phoniness of the christians in FCA (myself included). I'm going to be speaking in a couple weeks to FCA, and I want to use some of what you said in your blog. Also Christ has given you the amazing talent of speaking the truth, I hope you realize that. Don't ever stop telling it "how itiz."
ReplyDelete