2/5

Wrenches and other tools.

Just when I think everything has finally settled is apparently the prime time to throw a wrench into the machine.

I can almost imagine God standing above the conveyer belts, the cogs and steaming pistons, and he in all his white-beared Gandalf-appearing goodness simply leans over and 'on accident' drops a huge piece metal straight into the heart of it.

Oops - he says innocently enough, Mah bad..., kicking aside the huge pile of chewing gum, paperclips, rubberbands, sinks, and other paraphanalia that seems to have found its way into the factory grade mechanics of my world - all having been pulled out, everything about to be restored.

The machine begins to pressurize, smoke belching out of several exhaust towers until the engine thermometer begins to wig out.

The whole thing shudders, and explodes when a tiny bolt is pried loose form the bottom.

Somtimes I don't think its very fair.
I don't think its fair that my dad decides to lose his freaking mind during my Senior Year.
Yeah, I hope you read that.

I hope you know that if you comment I'll be tempted to throw my own wrench at your head.
Stay out of my life. You've wrecked it enough, so go be happy.
I don't want to go to dinner with you. I don't want your stupid cards.
I don't want to go to your house. I don't want to see you or talk to you or have you text me.

I want you to pay for my education because at this point, it's probably the only redeeming feature I see in you.

I want to pretend you don't exist. STAY AWAY.
I can't stand you.
I can't stand you.

I'll just be here, trying to figure out how it was that the 60000 dollars I was pretty much guaranteed at Auburn is not mine anymore, so how the hell am I supposed to go now? Oh yeah, because maybe while I was trying to figure out why my life was falling apart I forgot to hit submit on one stupid document three days later than I was supposed to (even when everything else was in weeks in advance)).

How do I go out of state whithout that 2/3 scholarship?20000 freaking dollars a year. AND I EARNED EVER PENNY OF IT.
I can't. I'll have to scour through every scholarship available, but thanks to what seems to be some holy divine plan, I am not.

I just really want to say that I haven't complained very much. I tried to put it all with Jesus. I tried to just be mature about it, this whole family thing, this whole 'I just want to happy' shit or whatever it was that he called it.

I don't know what to say. I figured it was enough, that this would be the silver lining, that I would get away and everything would reveal itself. Damnit. DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT IT ALL TO HELL.

IT WAS ALL I ASKED FOR AND I LET MY GUARD DOWN FOR ONE FREAKING SECOND AFTER MONTHS OF DEALING WITH THE STRESSS AND NOW ITS ALL GONE.

Words really don't do it justice.

I hope God knows what he's doing, because I sure as hell don't see how this is going to be resolved.

I don't have a picture.
Go look one up yourselves.